Choose your Death

home

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 20:24:49 GMT

there are perhaps 2 things i hate about being home...there's always more, but these 2 are interlinked and at the core of my feelings right now.

that there are curfews and timetables. there are curfews to having more than one tv on; to being cheerful, or outright clownish and tangent in thought.

i feel like i'm going to cry right now over this keyboard with my supper still waiting to be eaten on my right.

i think living on my own had blessed and cursed me. i've had to learn to control my moods so i don't fly off the handle when on my own in my flat. and i've learnt to cope with it: i bring out the rum, the bottles of water, i take off my socks and pants if need be, put on my mp3player and maneuovre the earphones around my back, and i literaly dance myself into a state of blankness and tiredness. it gets the physical ache out, so i can sit down and drink water and ket it just go out of me. i can't do taht here. for one thing, mom is awake at night hours like me, so there goes doing it in the lounge. my movements across the carpet and the slapping of the waistbag and my lims would alert them. the cats would be in the way. the alarm would be on anyway. and the only space i have in my room is the size of a tatami mat. i can't let it out, AND I DON'T WANT MY MOTHER TO BE THE ONE TO GIDDILY HOLD ME AND COLLECT MY TEARS.
i'm not allowed these things i normally do. like getting a sudden urge to practise guitar and sing at midnight or later or earlier. i can't walk around while mulling out thoughts. i'm looked at hungrily every time i drink some alchohol and it sickens me when i do take that drink. i'm driven to eat more because now i have nothing to do, i can't walk anywhere and i can't think what to do.

i have to please my father. it's a lose-lose. if i don't/am not interested, he makes me feel guilty for not being, and i do it so he's happy. if i do/am interested, then i fell like he's going too far.

if anything, i've grown to like my nightly solitude. i like being alone, not lonely. i like being alone, not lonely. i like being alone, not lonely.

i have all the freedom at home because i don't have to worry about grocery money. i have all the freedom at my flat because i don't have to worry about my parents' hooks.

i wish this fucking internet would work so i could read a fucking email

credits

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 09:46:50 GMT

I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT I'M *NOT* BEHIND ON MY CREDIT REQUIREMENTS AND THAT I'M RIGHT ON TRACK!!! SINGIN', HAPPY DAYS, GIDDY, I NEED TO HUG SOMEONE!!!! I AM SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY, there's this weight lifted off my chest, i feel like i could start singing here in the lan, jiving to limp bizkit. gods, i'm so relieved, i feel great! i feel like i can do anything, like i want to start crying from relief. gods, no-one could know exactly what a relief this is to me. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you higher powers!!! WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO SCREAM IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear gabrielle & co

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:40:26 GMT

you've answered me when i wasn't looking, when i needed help from outside.

so can i ask for more signs?

maybe you guys could show me how to talk to you in a way that's me?

and then, maybe you could answer these questions that hurt me so much but then look like the fantasy of a screenwriter?

1. will it ever happen? the yes,ja,hai?

2. will it be from the opposite side?

3. will they understand and tolerate me?

4. will it happen soon? it's already happening and school hasn't started yet...

will i ever show the world, me?

please let me know soon.
yours, with all the pieces of my heart...

virginityproject

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:33:18 GMT

something to investigate

http://virginityproject.typepad.com/

blankbook

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 18:27:13 GMT

i understand the need for it...or more or less, the lust for joining so many online groups. at the moment, i don't want to end up ghosting most or all of them, so i wish that individuals wouldn't deny me the priveledge of hearing from them just because i'm not part of the online-lust. it pisses me off a fucking lot and i wish i could record my scream so that they would hear it. what's the use of joining something when you, the joiner, do not update journal-like, like every single one of these new social websites demand that you do? all you end up doing is joining them, forgetting your password repeatedly, worry about crackers targeting you in the website's boom, and just accumalting more and more debri on the web? it's not a dumping site, you know. so can we stop dumping out discarded comments and letters on the web?
i don't dissuade anyone from joining, and i know that this entry is hypocritical as this is a social website from commentary. the point i'm trying to make is that i'm furious at being asked to sign up for something that i won't use so i can keep in touch with friends.

she dodged

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 18:14:06 GMT

i'm still here. to any fan of mine that i do have.
well, next week sunday is xmas eve, and none of the family have sorted out gifts yet. it's been a very odd december.
it's also my birthday on the 28th, yet another birthday spent with mother and father, going to a 'birthday movie' and then having a 'birthday' dinner, and then it's all over.
it's my 20th. my being in japan had made me want to celebrate this one with the oomph of my 21st, but that's not going to happen, the most i can beg for is to go to [city 2hrs away] and perhaps see 'flushed away' or something to that effect/affect. it's depressing knowing that i've spent my last 7 birthdays with just my parents and my pets.
that doesn't fit with my user pic, does it?
and what do the reviewers at ffnet expect of me? i haven't EXPERIENCED love yet, homo- or hetero-, so it's really difficult to write about them in nothing but a spectacular fashion.
i have no life. muchos sigh...

thank you, yahoo

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 22:13:07 GMT

How to make a wabba

Ingredients:

1 part success

5 parts courage

1 part joy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of caring

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

last night

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 21:54:05 GMT

my father yelled at me last night. not just one of his regular yells, it actually probably was, since i haven't been yelled at like that since before i went to japan.
he basically said the same things to me he always says:
-i'm stupid
-i should htink once in a while
-i'm childish
- "i should try and be responsible, it's actually quite fun"
and a few other choice things that i've forgotten. i ended up being yelled at for standing and listening to him and being quiet when i'm listening to him. i (think) i replied in such a manner that would be respectful, because i was. i was listening and i was thinking on what he said to me. yes, like i explained to my mother, there were short periods in which i was of two minds, when i was thinking that i would do this and this (because my dad tends to repeat himself). and then there were times when i was angry, and i was thinking i'kk go to my room after this and listen to some music so i could calm down.
and then he started going downhill on me, i don't know why.
i didn't try to get mom on my side, i wasn't. i explained to her, inbetween my gulps and wanting to cry so badly but holding it in, whati remeber him saying to me, and what i was thinking during his talk. and mom said i should stay in my bedroom, so id did while she was talking to dad. i heard my father accusing me of being an actress, and putting on te whole show for mom. that when i broke down (after taking his talk for over half an hour) and saw mom come out, he knew that 'i knew' i had an audience and was just putting on an act. i was calming myself then, i wasn't crying anymore. my ands were still shaking, but i was reading and concentrating on a book i was reading then, and then when i heard him say that, i started to dry-cry again. i was thinking, how coiuld my father think that of me?
and now i'm feeling very full of hatred for him because he's acting like nothing happened. i also nearly cried at a silly advert a few hours ago. i'm also feeling literally broken into pieces.

"It is suspected that the driver lost control of the..."

Sat, 20 May 2006 13:17:49 GMT

what the fuck does that mean? "It is suspected that the driver lost control" don't they always lose control? why don't they just stop saying that, and say the truth?
options:
a) driver was inebriated and (i)fell asleep at the wheel
(ii)lost control of the vehicle due to detiorated concentration capability
b) driver lost control due to (i) negligence of vehicle upkeep
(ii) failure of engine due to clause (i)
(iii) pre-existing medical conditions (such as decreasing vision, mental disorder, narcolepsy,etc)
(iv) distraction (such as drugs, cellphone texting, blow job,etc)
(v) inability to drive the type of vehicle
etc,etc...
what are they trying to tell us when they say "It is suspected that the driver lost control of the..."? that they don't know yet? isn't the news about truth?

ruumeito

Sat, 20 May 2006 03:59:15 GMT

goodbye, o great roommate. you're the best i've ever had (besides my cat ;)
you've been a great friend, pretty cool as a music buddy, and all that other jazz.
i hope you've had a lekker {great} time in japan, even though you've moaned and groaned about hating KG.
i'll miss you tons, and i really hope that you'll come to south africa. just remember to pack ONLY 1 jersey {sweater}, and no parkas!
chow! {ciao}
...but only for now...
0o0o0

it is not finished...made

Fri, 19 May 2006 04:50:24 GMT

so, i'm latem have to cut my 4 movies to 2 which kinda sucks, but oh well. i'm now updating while i wait for bike-san to get back from his lunch so i can go pay and get my ticket.grrr...

rode into school this morning, and i felt tears prickling he corners of my eyes. there's like a denail going on inside of me. everything is just happening so quick, and hazardous. my room shows what i eman, it's just a mess, which i'm cleaning up tomorrow after graduation. i'm terrified of sending theings home, again, i don't really know why. and i don't want to pack, and i don't want people to start leaving already. it's going to be lonely.

and so back to the main thought. i did feel tears at school, i felt tears when i looked at my room this morning. what am i going to do? it'll feel so surreal going home, i think i mightbe experiencing culture shock already just thinking about getting back home. how can that be? i'm so confused, so tired, so scared, so everything. i'm going to lose some really good connection from tomorrow. and i wich i knew what was going to happen when i get back, if i've canged or not. i don't feel different, i'm stillthe same slacker i was... maybe not, i'm not sure. i do know that i want to read my psychtextbook again, properly this time.

it'll be weird, i guess. i don't want to go, but really at the same time, i just want to be at home in my bed with teddy and thor and jenny, and my mom and dad sleeping in the next room, and this rotten american accent to go away, and to be able to write again and to completely zone out.

maybe i am different. i feel that when i get home, i want to ty harder, or do more htings, i don't know. i know i'm lazy still, but i want a job, i want activity, i want to grow up, COME ON, i made it to japan (and back in a week and a bit) and i survived here pretty well...

i'm soconfused, and dazed. is there another way of putting it? i won't have anything to tell and talk about, except with japan, about this place, this life.

what am i going to feel? and do? does anyone know? can my muses tell me? can my guardian tell me?

Sun, 14 May 2006 15:31:06 GMT

http://www.lettertogod.net/?gclid=COz6jqyT-IQCFTFrDgodXGBBEw

appropriate to find..

paper

Sun, 14 May 2006 14:28:52 GMT

aaaahhh...only 2 and 1/2 pages down. i've still for 7 and 1/2 to write. goddess, help...

the last night

Sat, 13 May 2006 14:26:00 GMT

{under sheets, typing with torch}
so it's 23h22 on saterday night, a few hours after the nightmare live. pretty awesome, but i'm *exhausted*. i still have the paper to write and i have only tomorrow. i also only have tomorrow to study for my japanese exams, but, da-dah.
anywayz, my face is ticky so i'm going back upstairs to claim the bed as my own, heh-heh. happy mother's day for all those moms out there, tomorrow.
{not actually under sheets, in LAN}

VRYDAG

Fri, 12 May 2006 03:30:24 GMT

ok.

1) 1/2 of the japanese exams done,
both japanese oral exams klaar
2) my tea-pot didn't explode in the kiln
3) my professor has approved and given me an extension till monday for my paper!!!!

WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now just to brace myself for staying in the library till 9, and till 4 tomorrow. gambakte (pronounciation spelling)...

dadda dia

Mon, 08 May 2006 09:19:55 GMT

aaarrrrrrgggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can this week get any worse? i have a kanji quiz tomorrow, i have orals dues on friday (i think) and then exams and reviews and homeworks that i have to catch up on. AND TONS OF GLAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then there's this stupid bloody fianl paper that i have to completely rework from scratch. did we even ahve a holiday??
i have ot make up badly for everything. right now i'm going to enjoy a little bit more before halfpast 6 and then i'm going upstairs to continue trying to study and trying to catch up.
oh goddess, i really really need you and the lord's aid right now.

grin

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 12:52:57 GMT

What Do You Look Like As A Neko Anime Girl? Anime Pictures GIRLS ONLY

You are a Creative neko! You love to create things like music, art, fashion, and writing! You are really good at artistic things and you love to spend time designing new things. People like you because you are so creative and they love to see what great things you come up with. So never let that good mind of yours go to waste! we could use more people like you.
Take this quiz!

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Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:28:35 GMT

i want my mom

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:24:38 GMT

anyone want a drink? comment me. we'll go for silent wheel.

Triggers3

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 05:17:07 GMT

*absent random hugs
*hunger
*creator's block + insomnia
*whining

that day of

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 03:59:40 GMT

imagine going into a test only quarter-way prepared, then doing the test and find that you know at least 3/4s of the info, and then the next day when you get it back, it turns out you knew 3/4s less of your first estimate.
and then imagine being completely unprepared for the test the next day, but know vaguely how things work, and then doing the test and realizing, if you had only know vocab, you would have done better, and you left half-an-hour early in a 1 hour test.
now imagine a bit further back, that from this day backwards 7 days, you have been getting less than 6 hours sleep (less than 5 sometimes) every night.
ok,are you caught up?
and then imagine a flatmate who can only say so much before you pin them down and wash their mouth out with acid.
and now, imagine a clique of people you wish were never born and had never met each-other in the first place being around you constantly.
and then imagine not having your peace-drug with you; imagine that you have an addictive personailty, that you have had problems in the past, and that you can't really cope without thinking about it every ten minutes.
imagine that all these thoughts are of one day.
and then acknowledge that that day is today.

Triggers2

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 14:10:45 GMT

clicking fingernails
failure
departure
reality
silver
imagination
outside worry source
constant swearing for no reason
people
the smell of plants in the rain
sunset
the past

...more to work on.

Triggers1

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 10:37:19 GMT

blood
cuts
guns
weapons
rock music
blunt-sharp objects
love
sketching
long fingernails
flaky people
pain
sex
freedom
dancing

...i'm screwed up, aren't i?

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 09:12:49 GMT

I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!I HATE THEM!!!

i

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 12:48:20 GMT

i think that the world should seriously disappear for a while. i wonder what it would feel like to be in a coma... would you still taste the air, would you still hear the whine in your ears when you hear the other worlds...
i wish i could just fcuking die...to see what it would be like...
i wish i could feel what it's like to be schizophrenic, insane, in another world, to live as is...like to be born deaf or blind or mute...
as is...
the perfect lie...
am i my own triplet...do i honestly have three people in me...it's so hard to think that the feelings of destruction in me are worthless: there isn't a story to be told, i'm not possessed, i'm not a fallen goddess... there isn't a pen to bleed with...there isn't a word to grant...
there isn't a life to live if all we become is ash...

they'd better hide the knives, i'm drunk...