there are perhaps 2 things i hate about being home...there's always more, but these 2 are interlinked and at the core of my feelings right now.

that there are curfews and timetables. there are curfews to having more than one tv on; to being cheerful, or outright clownish and tangent in thought.

i feel like i'm going to cry right now over this keyboard with my supper still waiting to be eaten on my right.

i think living on my own had blessed and cursed me. i've had to learn to control my moods so i don't fly off the handle when on my own in my flat. and i've learnt to cope with it: i bring out the rum, the bottles of water, i take off my socks and pants if need be, put on my mp3player and maneuovre the earphones around my back, and i literaly dance myself into a state of blankness and tiredness. it gets the physical ache out, so i can sit down and drink water and ket it just go out of me. i can't do taht here. for one thing, mom is awake at night hours like me, so there goes doing it in the lounge. my movements across the carpet and the slapping of the waistbag and my lims would alert them. the cats would be in the way. the alarm would be on anyway. and the only space i have in my room is the size of a tatami mat. i can't let it out, AND I DON'T WANT MY MOTHER TO BE THE ONE TO GIDDILY HOLD ME AND COLLECT MY TEARS.
i'm not allowed these things i normally do. like getting a sudden urge to practise guitar and sing at midnight or later or earlier. i can't walk around while mulling out thoughts. i'm looked at hungrily every time i drink some alchohol and it sickens me when i do take that drink. i'm driven to eat more because now i have nothing to do, i can't walk anywhere and i can't think what to do.

i have to please my father. it's a lose-lose. if i don't/am not interested, he makes me feel guilty for not being, and i do it so he's happy. if i do/am interested, then i fell like he's going too far.

if anything, i've grown to like my nightly solitude. i like being alone, not lonely. i like being alone, not lonely. i like being alone, not lonely.

i have all the freedom at home because i don't have to worry about grocery money. i have all the freedom at my flat because i don't have to worry about my parents' hooks.

i wish this fucking internet would work so i could read a fucking email

I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT I'M *NOT* BEHIND ON MY CREDIT REQUIREMENTS AND THAT I'M RIGHT ON TRACK!!! SINGIN', HAPPY DAYS, GIDDY, I NEED TO HUG SOMEONE!!!! I AM SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY, there's this weight lifted off my chest, i feel like i could start singing here in the lan, jiving to limp bizkit. gods, i'm so relieved, i feel great! i feel like i can do anything, like i want to start crying from relief. gods, no-one could know exactly what a relief this is to me. thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you higher powers!!! WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO SCREAM IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you've answered me when i wasn't looking, when i needed help from outside.

so can i ask for more signs?

maybe you guys could show me how to talk to you in a way that's me?

and then, maybe you could answer these questions that hurt me so much but then look like the fantasy of a screenwriter?

1. will it ever happen? the yes,ja,hai?

2. will it be from the opposite side?

3. will they understand and tolerate me?

4. will it happen soon? it's already happening and school hasn't started yet...

will i ever show the world, me?

please let me know soon.
yours, with all the pieces of my heart...

something to investigate

http://virginityproject.typepad.com/

i understand the need for it...or more or less, the lust for joining so many online groups. at the moment, i don't want to end up ghosting most or all of them, so i wish that individuals wouldn't deny me the priveledge of hearing from them just because i'm not part of the online-lust. it pisses me off a fucking lot and i wish i could record my scream so that they would hear it. what's the use of joining something when you, the joiner, do not update journal-like, like every single one of these new social websites demand that you do? all you end up doing is joining them, forgetting your password repeatedly, worry about crackers targeting you in the website's boom, and just accumalting more and more debri on the web? it's not a dumping site, you know. so can we stop dumping out discarded comments and letters on the web?
i don't dissuade anyone from joining, and i know that this entry is hypocritical as this is a social website from commentary. the point i'm trying to make is that i'm furious at being asked to sign up for something that i won't use so i can keep in touch with friends.

i'm still here. to any fan of mine that i do have.
well, next week sunday is xmas eve, and none of the family have sorted out gifts yet. it's been a very odd december.
it's also my birthday on the 28th, yet another birthday spent with mother and father, going to a 'birthday movie' and then having a 'birthday' dinner, and then it's all over.
it's my 20th. my being in japan had made me want to celebrate this one with the oomph of my 21st, but that's not going to happen, the most i can beg for is to go to [city 2hrs away] and perhaps see 'flushed away' or something to that effect/affect. it's depressing knowing that i've spent my last 7 birthdays with just my parents and my pets.
that doesn't fit with my user pic, does it?
and what do the reviewers at ffnet expect of me? i haven't EXPERIENCED love yet, homo- or hetero-, so it's really difficult to write about them in nothing but a spectacular fashion.
i have no life. muchos sigh...

my father yelled at me last night. not just one of his regular yells, it actually probably was, since i haven't been yelled at like that since before i went to japan.
he basically said the same things to me he always says:
-i'm stupid
-i should htink once in a while
-i'm childish
- "i should try and be responsible, it's actually quite fun"
and a few other choice things that i've forgotten. i ended up being yelled at for standing and listening to him and being quiet when i'm listening to him. i (think) i replied in such a manner that would be respectful, because i was. i was listening and i was thinking on what he said to me. yes, like i explained to my mother, there were short periods in which i was of two minds, when i was thinking that i would do this and this (because my dad tends to repeat himself). and then there were times when i was angry, and i was thinking i'kk go to my room after this and listen to some music so i could calm down.
and then he started going downhill on me, i don't know why.
i didn't try to get mom on my side, i wasn't. i explained to her, inbetween my gulps and wanting to cry so badly but holding it in, whati remeber him saying to me, and what i was thinking during his talk. and mom said i should stay in my bedroom, so id did while she was talking to dad. i heard my father accusing me of being an actress, and putting on te whole show for mom. that when i broke down (after taking his talk for over half an hour) and saw mom come out, he knew that 'i knew' i had an audience and was just putting on an act. i was calming myself then, i wasn't crying anymore. my ands were still shaking, but i was reading and concentrating on a book i was reading then, and then when i heard him say that, i started to dry-cry again. i was thinking, how coiuld my father think that of me?
and now i'm feeling very full of hatred for him because he's acting like nothing happened. i also nearly cried at a silly advert a few hours ago. i'm also feeling literally broken into pieces.

what the fuck does that mean? "It is suspected that the driver lost control" don't they always lose control? why don't they just stop saying that, and say the truth?
options:
a) driver was inebriated and (i)fell asleep at the wheel
(ii)lost control of the vehicle due to detiorated concentration capability
b) driver lost control due to (i) negligence of vehicle upkeep
(ii) failure of engine due to clause (i)
(iii) pre-existing medical conditions (such as decreasing vision, mental disorder, narcolepsy,etc)
(iv) distraction (such as drugs, cellphone texting, blow job,etc)
(v) inability to drive the type of vehicle
etc,etc...
what are they trying to tell us when they say "It is suspected that the driver lost control of the..."? that they don't know yet? isn't the news about truth?

goodbye, o great roommate. you're the best i've ever had (besides my cat ;)
you've been a great friend, pretty cool as a music buddy, and all that other jazz.
i hope you've had a lekker {great} time in japan, even though you've moaned and groaned about hating KG.
i'll miss you tons, and i really hope that you'll come to south africa. just remember to pack ONLY 1 jersey {sweater}, and no parkas!
chow! {ciao}
...but only for now...
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